The hardest part of moving on is not the distance or the silence. It is the conflict that we have with ourselves. We tell our friends that we want to move on from the people who hurt us we tell ourselves that we are done with them. When we are alone, at night we are still holding on to the memory of that person the ghost of what we had.
We stay in the pain because long as the pain hurts it means our connection to the other person is not really over. The pain feels like proof that the connection still exists. We would rather feel this pain than nothing all. It is like we choose to hold on to the feelings from the past instead of moving on to a new future that feels empty and unknown. This new future without the person is scary because it is empty. We prefer the misery we know from the past, to this feeling of a new future.
If you want to forget, you have to stop the performance. You have to want the 'Forget' more than you want the 'Memory.' Until that switch flips in your soul, you are just a passenger in your own life, waiting for a train that has already left the station."
"The only way out is through." Robert Frost
Most people try to outrun their memories, but you cannot escape a ghost that lives in your own head; as Robert Frost famously wrote, the only way out is through and that journey begins with a cold, hard look at the exit door.
1. The Digital Scrub (Beyond Unfollowing)
Expert says you should disconnect. We call this Algorithmic Quarantine. The artificial intelligence on your phone is trained to show you things that you like.
If you keep looking at pictures of her or searching for her your phone is going to keep showing you memories or suggested friends.
Your phone does this because it thinks you want to see these things.
The artificial intelligence, on your phone is trying to help you. It is actually making things worse when you are trying to move on from someone.
You need to stop looking at your phone for things that remind you of her so your phone will stop showing you these things.
This is what we mean by Algorithmic Quarantine.
I want to share a move with you. Go into your Google or Apple Photos. Use the feature that lets you hide a person from your photos. You should also clear your search history on Instagram and Facebook. The thing is, if you do not stop feeding the algorithm your phone will keep taking you to the past. I mean think about it if you do not "starve" the algorithm it will just keep showing you the old stuff and your phone will keep dragging you back into the past. So try to break this cycle by hiding people from your photos and clearing your search history on media platforms, like Instagram and Facebook and see what happens to the algorithm and your phone.
2. Environment Re-Conditioning (The Room Reset)
The idea to get rid of reminders is something people often say. Let me tell you why it actually works. Our brain uses things called anchors. For example if you always talked to her while sitting on the side of your bed that spot on the left side of your bed is now a trigger for stress because your brain links the left side of your bed to those conversations, with her. The left side of your bed and stress are now connected in your brain because of these anchors
I want to make a move to change my life. One thing I can do is flip my mattress or move my bed to the wall. This is a deal, for me because it will make my room look different. I also want to change my morning coffee brand.
I think that by changing the things I see and smell and taste I can tell my brain that the old me is gone and the new me is here. This means I will change the layout of my room and the smell of my coffee. The old version of my life is over. The new version of my life has begun. I am starting with my mattress and my coffee. I will see what other things I can change to make my life feel new.
3. The "Cringe List" vs. The "Halo Effect"
When we try to forget someone our brain does a thing where it only remembers the times with that person. This thing is called the Halo Effect. It is like our brain is playing a trick on us making us forget the times we had with that person. We only think about the times we had with that person and that is the Halo Effect.
When you think about her make a move. Open a note on your phone. Write down the things she said that really hurt you. Think about the five things she ever said to you. Also think about the five ways she was not right for you.
Every time you start to remember the times with her you have to stop yourself. Force yourself to read the list of things that were bad about her. I call this list the things she said or did or the things that were wrong, about her. This will help you see her in a way. It will break the idea that she was perfect.
4. High-Focus Substitution (The 4% Rule)
Expert says we should stay busy. I think that is not the best idea. We should do things that make us feel good and keep our minds busy like they call it Seek Flow. If we do something that's too easy such as watching television our minds will start to think about her again. This is because our minds are not really busy when we are doing things so they start to wander and think about other things, like her.
Better Move: Do something that's a little bit harder than what you are used to. This can be a video game learning a new way to code or a really tough workout. When you are doing something that's just right for your skills you get into a zone where you feel really focused. This is called the Flow State. When you are in the Flow State your brain cannot think about the feelings from a breakup. The Flow State is, like a shield that blocks out the pain of the breakup and it helps you to focus on the task at hand like playing a complex video game or learning a new coding language.
5. the "Public Pivot"
If you have to see her (at school or work), don't just "talk to others." Use the Observer Mode. * Better Move: Imagine you are a scientist watching a stranger. Look at her objectively as just another person in the room. This "Third-Person Perspective" helps detach your emotions from her physical presence.
The Ending: The Choice is Yours
Do not wait for a moment when the memory of this person will just go away. That is not how it happens. Forgetting someone is not something that just happens by accident. It is something you choose to do. You have to think about your future and decide that it is more important than some memory that is still haunting you. You have to decide that the memory of this relationship is not worth holding onto. You have to decide that you are tired of sitting around thinking about a relationship that ended months ago. The relationship is over. You need to move on. You are not really living your life when you are still stuck on something that is finished. The memory is like a ghost that's still with you. You have to decide that you want to move and that your future is worth more, than this ghost.
The door is open. I have given you the map.. I am not able to walk through the door for you. You have to stop lying to yourself. The map is there to help the person, which's you to find your way. You need to drop the weight of the what-ifs and finally choose to be free. The door and the map are tools to help the person, which's you to be free, from the weight that is holding you back.
The question isn't "How do I forget?" The question is: "Am I brave enough to let her go?"
